why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
