You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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