they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
