there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
