I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
