when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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