What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
