I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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