I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
