So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
