Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
