You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The air taste purple.
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