I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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