Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
