I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
