Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
