i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
