There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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