Moan for me like Helen Keller
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
