Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
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Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
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Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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