I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
