I am midnight drunk by noon
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
