I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
