i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
