a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
