I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
