ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
