Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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