Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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