your parents love me but you hate me
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i came on her dog
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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