So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I smell like Dick and happiness
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
