I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
