I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
