Michael Bay diarrhea
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
