I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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