my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
