fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
