there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
