I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
