i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
