If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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