dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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