im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
