If i come over, it means nothing
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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