I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
