I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
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I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
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You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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