I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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