Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
