my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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