If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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