how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
