Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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