I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
