I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
