At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
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I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
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I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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